HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUDREY!!

Yeah, our inner crackhead was showing when Audrey, Christa, and I went to the Baltimore Zoo today. It was frigging cold. We were the only ones theres. It was fun. A giraffe sneezed on me, my favoritest tigers growled at me, the praire dogs made a fuzzy appearance and Alaska, the female refugee from the Mexican circus polar bear, showed off. Her name is Alaska, but she seems to like Elise better. I misheard the guy when he told us her name and I thought he said Elise. Made sense since when I called her by that name she actually perked up and paid attention, unlike when we called her Alaska and she just continued showing us her ass and/or belly. Too cute. (that too cute reference is just for Tom hehe.) I suppose she thinks Elise is more exotic. I agree. Magnet, the "zoo's most popular animal" decided to snooze and generally ignore the human popsicles who braved the elements just for him. Well okay, Christa and I braved the elements for Audrey who braved the elements just for Magnet (he's the male polar bear by the way.) We lasted well over the hour that the ticket man predicted. The extremely arid giraffe house may have (okay it most definetly)had something to do with that. It's quite fun having the run of the entire zoo! I recommend it to everyone.
On a completely unrelated topic, I was having a wonderful fantasy last night. In my fantasy I crept up on this guy (names have been removed to protect the potential prey), blindfolded him from behind, tied him to a straight-backed kitchen chair with bongee cords and proceeded to do all sorts of naughty things to him with feathery things, ice cubes, etc. I even donned a wig so he wouldn't know it was me. Later my fantasy took a better turn (for me anyway.) Same guy, different place, me giving guy a wooden ruler with "God is Love" stamped on it and telling him to work out his parochial school frustration on me. I own this ruler by the way. I don't know, I think maybe I need more non-committal sex, what do you think?
P,S. To anyone thinking of getting me flowers for Valentine's Day: I like daisies, roses are nice but over-rated, and I abhor carnations. Carnations are the flower of death. If you come at me with carnations, I may have to harm you in a not-so-good way.

posted by Beth 6:29 PM . . .

Decisions I've made in the past few days

1. I've decided against the mood indicator thingy. My mood is my own damn business. Besides, it would be pointless to smile and say everything is fine if my mood indicator clearly states that I am "heavyhearted." Yes, I know. I could lie on the mood indicator and keep everyone guessing, but that would just be way too much work besides bordering on lunatic.
2. I've decided against the guest counter thingy. It's not accurate. If I have one friend who visits the site daily, maybe even numerous times in one day, do I really have 365 guests? No. I have one bored friend.
3. I've decided against smiling. It just makes people think that I want them to speak to me. And it hurts. Smiling really does hurt. I don't trust people who smile alot. In my experience, they are either on something or plotting my demise. Smiling is no good to anyone. Smiling is deceptive (see smiling reference in #1.)
4. I've decided against my brother's wife. I don't like her.
5. I've decided against drunken phone calls. Calling people when I'm drunk just seems to upset me. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I get things twisted in my head. Of course, drunken phone calls are better than my sober ones in one respect. When I'm drunk and upset, I usually hang up and go vomit. When I'm sober, I stay on the phone and give the other one a good piece of my mind. Usually the piece that wants them to jump out of a moving vehicle.
6. I've decided against giving family members money. Hello! I'm unemployed. I have my own money issues.

posted by Beth 4:21 PM . . .

Always knew I liked Ted Bundy too much


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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But that isn't what happened when I took an actual personality test in college. That test said that there was a damn good chance that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and should seek medical attention right away. Of course, my alcohol test when I was in SMART (Students Managing Alcohol Related Issues Today) also said that there was a good chance that I was an alcoholic and should seek medical attention right away. Then again, a pregnancy test that I took (just so my friend would feel better about having to take one) said there was a good chance that I was pregnant even tho I hadn't had sex in over a year. So what does that tell me about tests? They lie.

posted by Beth 2:39 PM . . .

If there is a freak in a 2 mile radius, he'll find me

Well, I was ever-loving drunk on Friday night. Big surprise. I woke up at 7am on Saturday. I had Driver's Ed at 9:30am. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at 9:15, like I was instructed by the stupid women, and found out that the class acutally started at 9am. The secretary tried to convince me that it was my fault. Now I am wrong a lot and when I am wrong I usually admitt it. I was not wrong this time. I called Thursday to verify the class time and my enrollment because I had never received my email confirmation. The secretary took all my information, told me to arrive 15 minutes early at 9:00am. I did this. She apparently thought I was there for Driver Improvment at 9:30. No. I was shocked when she said, oh we better hurry, class is starting. But class isn't until 9:30 I said. No you were to be here at 8:30. That's not what I was told on Thursday I said. Well, you would have either spoken to me or her and we know that class was to start at 8:30am. Well then, maybe you should have told me that information I said. They just stopped talking at this point.
I hate being late. I hadn't missed anything, but I hate being late. The Mickey Mouse Club sits behind me. They giggle at everything the 24 year old instructor says. I don't like them. I was listening to them babble during a break. They seem to think that gangrene is caused by not bathing. Okay. They also think a mullet is worn on the face like a goatee. Dear god. Then again, they are barely 15. The guy who sits next to me and has proclaimed himself my partner is also 24. I missed a question on the Unit one test cuz I read it wrong. He tried to make me fix it. That's okay I said, I don't care that much. The instructor told us a story that I found funny about man who was driving while smoking crack and steering with his knees. He ran over and killed a Nun. Guess he's in hell now. I laughed out loud. When I missed the question, I looked at my partner and said (not thinking) "I musta been smoking crack and killing Nuns when I answered that one." Apparently he thinks we are kindred spirits now. He began asking questions like what are you doing tonight, what clubs do you go to, do you get wild when you drink, where do you live.....then when we had 45 minutes left of class (we'd been there about 6 hrs) we start talking about why we had to take this class again. I told him my story, then he told me his. Seems he's been in prison (not jail) since he was 16. Um, that's 8 years. I didn't ask what he did. He just got out. Of all the girls of various age (15-45) that he could latch onto in that class, it of course has to be me. He's nice enough. As long as I don't make any sudden movements or steal his Kools, we'll be alright.

posted by Beth 4:55 PM . . .