The joys of duct tape

Have you noticed an increase in duct tape sales? I was at Wal-Mart today and people are buying lots of duct tape. Yes, it is a versatile product. Yes, I have several rolls tucked away for fun and frolick. But do I think that duct tape is going to save me in the event of a terrorist attack? No. If the building next to me is bombed, or if an airplane crashes into my house, will duct taping my windows and doors help me at all? Probably not. In fact, duct taping myself into my home just might impede my escape if in fact an escape is necessary. That said, duct tape may be very useful if I roll it into a ball, get really close to the terrorist, and toss the ball directly into his beard. During the 2 second "What the hell was that" window, I could run towards him and rip the tape ball from his beard, yanking out several hairs and causing him a small discomfort before he activates his self-made bomb, conviently duct taped to his chest, and blows us away. Ah, the joys of duct tape.
And yes, it looks like all you procrastinators out there have missed out on the chance of a lifetime. It seems that Captain Dave

has run out of several items that every respectable lunatic would need. Gasmasks, anti-radiation drugs, Haz-Mat suits, etc. Of course, since you waited too long to order these items, (I mean it's almost Valentine's Day, people) you probably haven't even begun to dig your underground hidey-hole yet. Well, don't come knocking on my grass covered trapdoor when all hell breaks loose because I only have so much bottled water, toilet paper, spam, and duct tape...and you sure as hell aren't getting it. Slacker!
In other news, I got a job. I start on Monday. I get to tell people about air filtration systems. Yay for money, yay for things to do!

posted by Beth 5:49 PM . . .

Presents for me...and other news

My mother went outside to check for the newspaper this evening and saw a piece of cardboard lying on the sidewalk. She went to pick it up, thinking it was trash, and saw that it was a small, thin package addressed to me. I listened for ticking, felt for vibration (I heard that most bombs nowadays vibrate instead of tick) and sensing neither of these things, I opened it. Inside was a small rectangular object wrapped in silver paper with white swirlies on it. There was a tiny little silver card that said "A gift for you." Inside of the card was written "Happy Valentine's Day, From TJ." Ah, so Trevor had sent me something. I shook the silver rectangle, nothing happened. I listened for sounds and vibration again (a girl can never be too sure, ya know) and then opened it. A CD. A CD from a band called Finch. I had never heard of them before. The title of the CD is What It Is To Burn. I listened to it while I made dinner. My mom listened along and started in on disecting the songs. Looking for hidden messages. Of course, with songs like Letters To You, Without You Here, and Stay With Me, the messages were more in your face than hidden between the lines. So I listened. It's a pretty good CD. A little loud for my mom, but good. I was feeling kind of guilty and thinking maybe I should try and work things out with him. One more time for old time's sake and all that. Lord knows I've tried the "work it out" stuff before, but I momentarily forgot what a meanie head he can be. That is until I heard the next to last song on the album (not counting the bonus track) track 11. The lyric went something like this: Can't you see, you left me on my own Give me one reason why I should let go With my hands around your neck Who will stop me now? Um, yeah, okay. The majority of the songs had nothing to do with wanting me dead. I just picked up on this one lyric because it sounded, well, very Trevor-like. My mother's take on it? "Well, if he kills you, it's your own fault." Thanks mom. It's a really good CD though. Everyone should check out Finch. Nothing wishy-washy with this band. I like it.
Anyhoo, I have a job interview with CDI tomorrow morning. Pray for me people. I need money and something to distract me. I think to much when I have all this free time on my hands.

posted by Beth 6:14 PM . . .

Luminol and dead fish

I went to the Baltimore Aquarium today with Audrey, Christa, and Tom. While we were driving on I-695, I had a random thought. I was looking out the window, watching the trees fly by, and very mile or so I'd see a sign off to the side of the road saying "Fender Bender? Cell phones dial #177." After seeing the third sign of this type, I started wondering what would happen if someone doused the highway with Luminol. You know, that chemical the authorities use to find traces of blood. Blood is never really completely removed from surfaces. You can't see it, but it's there. I had a vision of a giant tanker saturating the road with Luminol, a crew following the truck with a giant black light, and the asphalt glowing blue for miles. What can I say? This is the kind of weird shit I think about when I'm having "quiet time." Anyhoo, I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the Aquarium, which is good because it's been a long time since I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. My friend from college, Melissa, met us there. I hadn't seen her in about 4 years. It was fun seeing her again.
On a somber note, I came home from the Aquarium to find that one of my humongous goldfish has bought the farm, kicked the bucket, bit the dust, croaked, shuffled off this mortal coil, in short, he has died. The surviving fish is looking all sad and lonely now. I guess I'll clean the tank some, go to the pet store, and buy Goldie a new goldfish and snail to play with. I would just get a regular old algae eater, but he tends to eat them. Well to be specific, he likes to ram them until they are dead and then nibble on them.

posted by Beth 12:07 AM . . .